If you are anything like me when it comes to how we want to experience our romantic relationships, we have some common values and beliefs:
- We value having strong relationships with a team player.
- We value having a partner who we can talk to about anything.
- We value truthful communication.
- We value having trust and respect in and for each other.
- We value having a partner we can count on for support.
- We value investing in our relationship and doing what we can and then some to make it work.
- We value having a deep friendship, with our partner
- We value having expressing empathy, compassion, patience, respect, flexibility, and openness is important in a relationship.
- We value having a sense of humor (who doesn’t love to laugh)
- We value being loved for who we are and who we are becoming.
- We value emotional availability and security from our partners.
- We value investing in personal growth individually and as a couple.
- We believe in building our emotional intelligence skills.
- We believe in having the ability to work through conflict.
- We believe in having similar values.
- We believe both parties should be emotionally invested in the relationship.
- We believe in owning our stuff when triggered because we are aware that we carry emotional baggage that needs to be sorted out.
- We believe we should feel comfortable expressing our emotions to our partner.
When any of our values or beliefs are threatened there will be conflict. Conflict is all about emotions, and when we are off balance emotionally it becomes extremely difficult to engage in constructive responses and deal with conflict effectively.
I remember when I had arguments in my past relationships, I always thought, it would cause a breakup even though they were minor issues. I caused myself so much unnecessary stress because I didn’t know how to read emotional cues and calm myself down.
In order to reduce the conflict and the anxiety that goes along with it, it all starts with being aware of your emotions. Then being able to verbalize them to your partner.
I have a few tools that will help you with this.
When you have a heightened awareness of your emotions you’re able to monitor your own and other's feelings and emotion. When you have a grip on that you can use the information to guide your thinking and actions to help come to a resolution with having a conflict.
Here is an easy way I’ve found to help develop your emotional intelligence; it’s called emotional mapping.
I have 3 options to help you practice mapping your emotions associated with your romantic relationship.
Option ONE- Atlas of Emotions (Supported by the Dalai Lama):
The Dalai Lama is the embodiment of calm and peace and I’m all for tapping into what he uses to master his emotions.
- Tool: Try out this interactive tool: http://atlasofemotions.org/
*note: If you watch the video with the Dalai Lama, around 2:51 he talks about mapping emotions.
If you are open to digging deep, this is for you. You can explore every emotion and gain a great sense of awareness around what describing what you are feeling and why. I personally love deep dives exercises.
Option TWO- Emotional Map Worksheet:
If you don’t have the time to dig deep and just want to map your emotions without getting into what the emotions mean, this worksheet is perfect for you. It’s quick and easy to use.
- Tool: Here's the link: bit.ly/emotionalmapworksheet
Option THREE- Feelings Log
This is more freestyle. It takes a conscious effort to log your feelings consistently.
Step 1: Write down the emotions you feel during the day & note what happened right before the emotion (this will help you observe your patterns),
Step 2: After a week, read through your emotions and highlight the trends (work to understand the story your emotions are telling you)
Step 3: Describe what have you learned from your feeling log. Is there anything you’d like to address?. Then get an accountability partner to hold you accountable as you share what you are working on.).
This is the perfect segway to remind you to sign-up for my INNER COURSE™ e-coaching program if you haven’t already. Having accountability is one of the benefits my clients appreciate when working with me.
When you are more conscious of your emotions, you are confident of your personal needs before you enter a heated conversation. Taking a moment to self to breathe and examine where your feelings are coming from and why, you can have a rational and logical conversation where you can calmly explain your perspective.
Emotional mapping may not create changes you can see externally. However, it will create small changes you can feel internally and that’s worth a lot when you’re creating emotional wellness.
Leave a comment letting me how the process worked for you.